I’m so not feeling good, yes Belle, I am not ok. I am not even in the mood to talk right now.

Currently listening to Yahoo Radio Station… And life sucks at the moment, and everyday, problems just keep on getting worse. Just for the record, I’m hating myself for it.

But if not for only one person, who made such a difference, I don’t think I’ll be typing all this crap.

If that one person only feels what I’m feeling, I wish he could read this and I wish to know if he still cares.

It’s hard to live in the present when reminiscing your past that was full of pain, right? Doesn’t life suck when all of a sudden, you wake up and realize that no one cares? That’s exactly what I’m feeling. I’m having the hard time to focus my life nowadays.

And since I’m feeling poetic today, I’ll post three new poems at Fictionpress.

Here’s a sample:

Why did you have to kiss me goodbye?
you didn’t even bother telling me why
left me with no more tears to cry
all of a sudden, I just want to die

(excerpt: Crossing the Borderline)

The self-proclaimed Survey Queen is on leave and will be back after reading the Half Blood Prince and after the end of midterm, too long ei? Promise she’ll be back with an angsty review and a silly recap about the examination.

Besides MU is getting too addictive for me, my character already has her second job!!! Woooooooooot ^_~

‘Til then, ta-ta for now.

Ragnarok Online Philippines is in our school to promote their newest game, R.O.S.E. which has this "similar concept as gunbound" (accdg to my classmate Ever)

Then, I’ve brought a ROk on Album for only PHP199 with a free ROk On Shirt! Weeeeeeee. The album also has this free installer of Amatsu and Kunlun: A Tale of Two Cities installer, I just don’t know if it’s a patch or another levelup game.

Let’s see? Uhm… what else? Oh well, I haven’t been eating much today, what’s wrong with me? And now I feel all dizzy.

I still have 100 (yes, 100) Gmail invites on both of my two Gmail accounts.

Now, who wants one? Comment to be invited (And please be smart enough to add your email account with your comment too)

Yaoi Madness still lives on. But I can’t post slash stuff here, this is a public blog, minors might be watching.

Yes, I haven’t been updating this blog for just one reason, Friendster is too dumb enough redirecting the "update blog link" to your homepage.

I am back! Yipee!!!

Just arrived from school, freezing wet and my hands are so numb and it’s killing me while typing this.

Stupid me, I should’ve brought my umbrella. But you can blame me, I consider it as an excess load. My books + a bible + extra stuff (for short, other “kakikayan” accessories) is enough people, it’s so much.

Para akong basang sisiw… I’m suppose to have a movie marathon by watching vampiric movies (Interview with a vampire, Queen of the Damned, Van helsing, Underworld, Blade, etc) But I’m too sleepy today, maybe not today.

I have something to type, I know I have a very interesting stuff to type, I just forgot what it is all about. Gawd, silly me.

I finally remembered! I am officially a Yaoi Convert Lover. Thanks to my dearest blockmate, Rubie for providing me vast resources on this stuff… hahaha… Though, I am still contemplating on how to pronounce it, should it be ya-wi or ya-o-wi? Ah basta, Shounen-ai rocks!!!

And it’s not actually interesting at all.

A touching story, ready your napkins…

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club, I found out that I fell in love with him.
Before the trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him.
And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways.
I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there was so many other girls.
To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was juss another girl…
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can’t"
"Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No… I am going to meet a friend…"
He was always like that.
He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.
To him, I was just a girlfriend.
The word ‘love’ only came out of my mouth.
Since i knew him, I had never heard im say ‘I love you’ before.
To us, there werent any anniversaries at all.
He didnt say anything from the first day and it continued till 1O0 days…2O0 days…
Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I dont know why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I…
Jin: What…dont drag, just say…
Me: I love you.
Jin: ………..you…..um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll.
Then he dissappeared, like he was running away.
The dolls I recieved from him everyday, filled my room, one by one.
There were many….
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When i got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call.
But… lunch passed, dinner passed…and soon the sky was dark… he still didnt call.
It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.
He told me to come out of the house.
Still. I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now.
I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday.
He turned around and walked away like nothing had happened.
Then I shouted…
"Wait…"
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung onto him.
But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I dont want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."
That was what he said. Then ran off…
My legs felt numb…and I collapsed to the ground. He didnt want to saay it easily…
How could he…
I felt that…
Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying.
He didn’t call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house.
That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school.
But what made the pain resurface was that…. I saw him on a street…with another girl…
He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll…
I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell…
Why did he gave these to me…
Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…
In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house.
I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that i am going to forget hin, that….its going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
i couldnt help hating him, acting like nothing had happened and joking around.
Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it.
Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I dont need this doll, I dont need it anymore!! i dont want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes were very shaky.
"I’m sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
"You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!"
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted…
But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!"
HONK~!!!
"Boom!" That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me.
That’s how he went away without evening opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him…
And after spending two months like a crazy person…
I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out.
I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…
"One…two… three…"
That was how… I started to count the dolls…
"Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…"
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
"I love you~, I love you~"
I dropped the dolls, shocked.
"I….lo..ve…you??"
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
"I love you~ I love you~"
It can’t be!
I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop.
I…love you…
Why didn’t I realize that…..
That his heart was always by my side, protecting me.
Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much…
I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road.
It had his blood stain on it.
The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…
"Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that i love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…"
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now?
He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life…

Di ba sobrang touching? Kaya yung iba dyan, don’t take them for granted, mahirap na makahanap ng taong tunay na nagmamahal sayo.

Yes, I am indeed missing someone… Missing him so bad…

No matter how I try to hide the pain, tell everyone I’m happy, but something inside me knows I am not. There’s something inside me that tells me to do something wrong. Stupid little devil.

Maybe I’m a bit paranoid. A little too pessimist.

Then again, maybe not. I feel pain, hurt, sadness, and misery. I’ve been longing too much for something someone. How can I stop it? It’s a feeling, feelings can’t really be controlled. I know of it but I just can’t.

Trying to control not to love someone too much is too damn hard. Specially If you are afraid of losing someone, how can one be not thinking of negative stuffs?

Am I worrying too much here?

I’M FEELING TOO MUCH WISTFULNESS… Melancholy, desperation… Ugh, I hate it.

Am I being too sensitive? Even dreams of him kept haunting me and still, they weren’t enough… I still need to see him… I’m having nostalgia… I’m longing to see him once more.

It’s hard being a psychologist when you’re too emotional.

I don’t want to arrive at a point wherein I have to choose between the two… I don’t and I won’t. I know and you know that you’re dominant than the other, but somehow, I can’t feel your love anymore. See how paranoid I am? Look at my stupidity… It’s eating me up and washing those sweet bosoms of the past away. Can you believe that? I’m so narrow minded, and gawd, how I hate narrow minded people, and according to logic, it leads to me hating myself.

And yes, I do hate myself right now…

I still, forever, and always will love you. And I won’t make a mistake that I would surely regret. It’s not the only basis to call it quits. I mean, how shallow can I be if that’s the only reason right?

I just wish I know what I am saying.

And you thought I’m gonna stop there? Depp Madness!!!

Willy Wonka!!!

And the rest are all from Yahoo, honestly you can’t click them to enlarge ‘coz stupid Friendster doesn’t allow it, it would be direct linking… *sigh*

I swear Rubie, YOU’VE GOT TO you should must see this!!!

Rubie! You’ve got to see this!

Wonka’s Welcome Song

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
The amazing Chocolatier
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
Everybody give a cheer!

He’s modest, clever, and so smart,
He barely can restrain it,
With so much generosity,
There is no way to contain it!
To contain it… to contain, to contain, to contain!

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
He’s the one you’re about to meet
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
He’s a genius who just can’t be beat,
The magician and the chocolate wiz,
He’s the best darn guy who ever lived,
Willy Wonka, here he is!

Catchy song isn’t it?

Quotable quotes!!! (In Random Order)

Grandma Georgina: You smell like Peanuts..I like peanuts!
Willy Wonka: You smell like Old People and Soap…I like it.
Grandma Georgina: Ah! (Hugs Wonka)

Mike Teavee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
Charlie Bucket: Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.

Charlie: Can my family come too?
Willy Wonka: Oh Charlie, of course they cant

After the slightly disapointing puppet show when the children enter the factory, Willie Wonka stands there:
Willie Wonka: Good morning…starshine…the earth says…hello?
He pulls out some cards out of his pocket:
Willie Wonka: Goodmorning dear children. I shake you warmly by the hand….nevermind.

Willy Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable.
Charlie: Could you eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course everything in this room is eatable. Even me, But That`s call canibalism and thats frowned upon in most societies. Now go ahead and enjoy!

Charlie (after seeing Violet put her world record chewing gum behing her ear): Why hold on to it? Why not start a new piece?
Violet: Because I wouldn`t be a champion. I`d be a loser like you.

Charlie: Why would Augustus’ name already be in the Oompa Loompa’s song unless…
Willy Wonka: [interrupts] Improvisation is parlor trick, anyone can do it.
[turns to Violet]
Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.
Violet: Chewing gum.
Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same thing.

Mike(after getting shrunk): Help me!
Willy Wonka: Thank Heavens he`s completley un-harmed.
Tiny Mike: He`s an idiot!!

*he attempts to rush out, but instead walks right into the glass wall and falls over* <—- I just love this scene

Violet: Look, mom! I can bend all sorts of ways now!
Beauregarde: Yes, but you’re blue!

Violet: Are they real people?
Willy: Of course they’re real people. They’re Oompa Loompas. Straight from Loompaland.
Mr. Teavee: There’s no such place.
Willy: Excuse me?
Mr. Teavee: Mr Wonka, I teach high school geography.
Willy: Well, then, you’ll know all about it and what a terrible place it is.

Grandma Georgina: [the glass elevator crashes through Charlie's house] I think someone’s at the door!

Charlie: [on chocolate river, deep in factory, passing an open door in which Oompa-Loompas are whipping a cow] Whipped cream?
Willy Wonka: Of course! How can you get whipped cream if you don’t use whips?

[Willy Wonka claps enthusiastically as his special musical showpiece goes up in flames]
Willy Wonka: I thought the middle part was getting a little bit dodgy, but that finale… Wow!

Willy Wonka: [hiding behind a newspaper while Charlie shines his shoes] Too bad about that chocolate guy. Walter… er, Waldo…
Charlie Bucket: Willy Wonka.
Willy Wonka: Right, him. Did you ever meet him?
Charlie Bucket: I met him once… I thought he was great at first. Then he turned out not to be. And he has a funny haircut.
Willy Wonka: [throwing the newspaper down.] I do not!

Violet Beauregarde: [chewing the gum] Mmm! Tomato soup! It’s so hot and creamy I can feel it running down my throat!
Willy Wonka: Great, now spit it out.

Mrs. Gloop: Where does that pipe go?
Willy Wonka: That one happens to go to the room where I make the most delicious strawberry-flavoured chocolate-covered fudge.
Mrs. Gloop: Then he will be turned into strawberry-flavoured chocolate-covered fudge? They’ll be selling him by the pound all over the world?!
Willy Wonka: No, I wouldn’t allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured chocolate-covered Gloop? Ew. No-one would buy it.

Willy Wonka: My name is Willy Wonka.
Veruca Salt: Then shouldn’t you be up there?
[points to stage]
Willy Wonka: Well, I couldn’t very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don’t know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.
Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life’s work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?
Grandpa Joe: No, sir.
Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.

Ok, ok I have to stop… *gasps* great movie guys, a must watch!

All in all, a movie filled with humor and values…

Boredom… boredom… boredom…

wala lang!

So bored… *sigh*